Don't Change, I Love You Just as You Are!
I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Really unusual stuff from all over. I found a copy of the Bahjava-Gita at a local Wiccan store and read that. I have been also reading about Carl Jung's theory of Synchronity among other things. All have been with the purpose of inspiring me in my new non-fiction book that I've started and that needs to have a first draft complete before I go to Newfoundland in two weeks though much of it will be written on the trip down. Fortunately it is only 20 short chapters but I hope to concentrate on writing about Newfoundland, specifically Change Islands, for another book I'd like to finish before fall when I delve back into my novel again. My poetry writing has paid off with the news that my second collection will be published October 1 of this year! It's tentatively entitled "Sui Generis Magicae" which loosely translates from the Latin into "Their Unique Magic." At least this is what I'm told.
In all my reading I found this little quote that jumped out at me and made me smile and do an internal high five with my soul! This is it! This is perfect. For the book and for something I've been considering lately.
"I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, Don't change. I love you just as you are. Those words were music to my ears: Don't change, Don't change. Don't change . . . I love you as you are. I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!" ~~Anthony De Mello~~
I have seen this phenomenon a lot. I saw it a couple of years ago in a friend of mine who came out of a marriage where she was stifled from being who she really was through criticism and subtle comments and just an overall conspiracy of a sort from her ex spouse to be different than she was. Once out of the relationship she could clearly see that the reason she was unhappy in the marriage was that she wasn't able to fully be herself.
What he called compromise wasn't a cooperative effort to enable two people to get along but the actual compromising of her self at its very core. She stayed longer than perhaps she would have because all of those around her felt she should and the pressure to make a marriage work. This pressure for others crippled her emotionally and made it difficult for her to leave.
But once she did she almost immediately felt such an intense relief and happiness that she knew it was the right thing.
But to her dismay, even her happiness was also disapproved of by many as inappropriate after a separation. She asked me what I thought and I said, "Fuck them all. Be yourself and above all things, be happy and don't do it because I said so, do it because that's what you want to do. Everybody just wants to be happy." It resonated with her and she decided that life was too short to live it for others and she is back doing the things she loved before her marriage and being her essential self again. She is also in a love relationship with someone who absolutely adores the person she is and encourages her rather wild and unorthodox ways. It is so refreshing to watch!
A while back I made the decision to allow myself to live as I pleased. I was single when I made that choice and for the most part I've stuck to it. Yes I'm a cooperative and easy going person when it comes to the insignificant things but when it comes to the essentials I have stuck to my guns. This is my life, I get one shot to fuck it up in my own special way! But as part of my decision came the choice to allow all of the people in my life to live their own special way as well and to be all they are and who they are and to love them for exactly that.
There is nothing more powerful in this world than being loved for who you are. Exactly who you are. There is no one on this planet who has the right to judge you in any way. You are exactly as you should be and in fact I think much of the suffering people have in their life comes from trying to be who the people around them expect them to be and want them to be rather than who they really are and who they really want to be.
My theory is that everybody in this world has one goal and that goal is to be happy. If there is suffering in their life they will take the steps necessary to decrease their suffering and to find relief. This is the motivation behind all action.
Some of the actions taken might seem out of sync with the idea that it'll bring happiness and relief but it is, nonetheless, true. A drug addict steals a stereo to sell to buy drugs to get relief from his withdrawal just as a Catholic goes to confession seeking relief from his guilt. A person books an expensive trip or buys a pricey car they can't afford with the notion that possessions bring happiness just as a person goes on a diet thinking that the road to happiness is being thin. I write as it brings me immense pleasure. I play with my kids like I'm a child because it's pure joy for me to do so. I savour the moments of life like fine wine because this world is incredible. I hula hoop because it's delightful. I play music and dance around the house because it makes me happy. My way is no better than any other way and it might not work for you but it's what I'm gonna do.
Whether or not we agree that what others do will bring them happiness or not is irrelevant because it isn't our lives to live. Perhaps people will judge my messy house when they walk into after I've been weeks into the moulding of something as frivolous to them as a romance or horror story. Guess what? I don't give a flying rat's arse what they think of my messy house. About the same time I made the decision to live on my own terms I also decided that I would prefer my tombstone read "She was a writer" rather than "the laundry was always put away and the beds were always made". Come visit and you'll see I've stuck to that resolution as well!
Oh to be loved as you are! Powerful. Unconditionally. No matter what you do. Stuff that others judge as inappropriate bring a smile to the person who loves you that way because it is so essentially you and they love you completely.
Being accepted for everything you do and loved, not just in spite of it but because of it, is a gift. It requires nothing and because it requires nothing any changes made are made from the sense of worthiness that a person feels inside, that receives it. This kind of love doesn't trap you or force you or make you feel guilty. It frees you up to make any changes you wish to make for yourself and not to please others.
If you take a plant and put it under a glass case and water and sunshine it will still grow. It may even look pretty and it may appear healthy but contained that way it can only grow so much. It can't reach the heights it is supposed to reach while contained by the glass. The only way it can grow within its prison is to become bent and distorted. I liken those in your life who would have you be less than you are to a glass cover. Even if it is lovingly placed it will stunt your growth and keep you down.
But remove the cover and that same plant will grow tall and straight and reach its potential with ease. Many of the people in your life will tell you what you should be doing, what is best for you and they'll often say it with a loving heart. But the only opinion that matters is your own in your life. While you are busy living your life they get to live theirs.
Yes you may lose people who do not like the way you are. But those are usually the ones who place the strongest glass over you. But you then will attract those who love the true you to replace those that leave. The universe is fair that way. Another quote I love is by Kurt Cobain. He said "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."
Ever try to make someone quit smoking? I've never known anyone to quit while being nagged to do so. I have known a few to quit in spite of being nagged to do so but everybody who quit successfully did it because they chose to. It is only possible in that circumstance because free choice creates a sense of ease for people.
I had someone tell me the other day "you shouldn't get involved in that" and I replied "whether I should or shouldn't is my decision." and it got their back up a little. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I wasn't ever planning to get involved but the decision is all mine. ALL mine.
Be yourself. Be entirely yourself. Do whatever eases your life and makes you happy and experience life outside the glass case. If others disapprove let them! This is your life to fuck up and they've got their own to do the same with! If they're any good at it they won't have time to worry about you will they?
And always remember, "don't change, I love you just as you are!"
|I love you; Now stay the same!|